Breaking: Newton North newspaper to buyout Sagamore (April Fool’s)

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The Sagamore has accepted a buyout offer from the publishers of The Newtonite, Newton North’s student-run newspaper.

The Newtonite purchased its rival paper for an undisclosed sum in an effort to expand its brand.

“We couldn’t be more excited,” Newtonite Co-Editor-in-Chief Connor Vasu said. “This is really our opportunity to corner the greater Boston area’s highly competitive student newspaper market.”

In fact, the Newtonite stands to gain a monopoly over student newspapers at public schools serving the residents of Chestnut Hill, according to Sagamore Business Manager Tasoula Burk, a market analyst specializing in interscholastic economies.

“Well, it was already kind of a two-person market,” she said. “I don’t know much about the anti-trust laws governing student newspapers, so let me get back to you on that.”

According to Sagamore Co-Editor-in-Chief Alex Johnson, the Sagamore agreed to the buyout due to fears about the future of print journalism.

“Print is in decline all across the country, and the Brookline public school system is tightening its belt to boot,” he said. “Who knows what the future holds?”

The buyout will save more than 50 student jobs, according to Johnson.

“It wasn’t an easy decision, but at the end of the day, we had to protect our staff,” Sagamore Co-Editor-in-Chief Alex Friedman said. “I mean, what else are they going to list on their college applications? Sports?”

“Believe me, some people on our staff just aren’t sports material,” Friedman continued. “Crew practice would snap them like twigs.”

Though the Newtonite will take over upper management, the terms of the agreement stipulate that the Sagamore’s staff will maintain control over the content of the newspaper.

“We have zero intentions of changing anything,” Newtonite Co-Editor-in-Chief Leah Budson said. “Well, except the sweatshirts. And the logo. Both of those would really look better in black and orange.”

“We’ll probably stop covering football, too. Actually, the whole sports section really has to go. Maybe the news section too,” Budson said.

“It’s like, why so many articles about Brookline? It’s not the only school in the world. Come to think of it, we should really think about firing some people. These are pretty biased journalists.”

Johnson said that he is confident the buyout will have little effect on the content of the paper or on how it is run.

When informed that Newtonite staffers had seized the Sagamore’s club room, Johnson responded with surprise.

“No, they didn’t. That wasn’t in the deal,” Johnson said. “Let me see that—I didn’t sign this. They must have added that in afterward.”

At press time, half the Sagamore’s staff had been replaced with writers from the Newtonite.

Note: This article was published as an April Fool’s Day prank by Emmanuel D’Agostino and Emma Nash.