SATIRE: “Senior Sick Day” forces hundreds of students to stay home

Breaking news: A unique strain of the novel coronavirus detected in Brookline on Friday, May 20, rapidly infecting the vast majority of the high school’s senior class and forcing them to stay home from school in a phenomenon many are calling “Senior Sick Day.”

The threat this new strain poses is still hotly debated among “researchers,” but a few of its symptoms have already been cataloged. Chiefly, the disease causes severe “Bounce Syndrome,” leading researchers to name it the “BS variant.”

Gul Libal works for the Brookline-based Society for Treating Future Undergraduates (STFU), a group that monitors the health of high school seniors soon-to-enter college. Her group’s research found that the BS variant hit Brookline High School’s senior class incredibly hard and incredibly quickly.

“The BS variant so far has been incredibly transmissible, with an estimated 80-95% of the senior class contracting with the disease on Friday,” Libal said. “Completely coincidentally, the disease seems to have stayed entirely within the senior class of the high school and has not spread to any other demographic.”

According to Libal, STFU’s research consists largely of phone calls with seniors, who she says are “well-known to be incredibly upset about missing school, especially this late in the year.”

STFU research suggests that the virus’ symptoms appear to be quite mild, although students afflicted with the long-lasting disease known as senioritis appear far more likely to show strong symptoms.

Senior Theseus Bogus contracted the BS variant “after A-block” on Friday, May 20. Bogus said the timeline of a BS variant infection is very different from that of a normal COVID-19 infection.

“It hit me hard earlier today, like really hard. But now, a few hours later, I feel totally fine. Crazy, huh? Well, not that crazy, I guess,” Bogus said. “Anyway, I’ll be well enough to go back to school Monday, but I think I should stay at home until the end of the day just in case I’m still infectious.”

It is not yet clear whether or not infected students will be well enough to come back to school on Monday, but Bogus, for his part, appeared to be in high spirits; he Zoomed in for an interview with a surprisingly detailed, beach-themed virtual background complete with sounds of seagulls calling and waves crashing.

This is a developing story. Check back here for more information as we monitor the outbreak and the attendance of students who are already close to their absence caps.