SATIRE: Student Hijacks Time Machine to Meet College Deadline


This application was found on Warper’s desk, his last known location before seeking out the time machine.

While the faint of heart would give up on applying to a college after missing the deadline, one high school student refused to let time become an obstacle. Around 5 p.m. on January 15th, senior Timmy Warper was reported missing. About an hour later, a townwide notice went out that Warper had been found four days ago.

According to authorities, Warper managed to slip into a subterranean government lab and step through their experimental time portal. Although the military has no idea how Warper located the lab, he is believed to have gained entry by taking advantage of the personnel’s trust.

“He said he had to go to the bathroom, so I let him in for a second,” a bewildered security guard said. “I never expected the kid to start time traveling!”

Warper himself returned to the present some time this afternoon. According to him, the November 1early action deadline did not give him enough time to prepare, although he knew about it months in advance.

“I was filling out my application when I said to myself, ‘You know what, you deserve a break,’ and I watched a Youtube video,” Warper said. “I was only going to stay there for a few minutes, but then I clicked on a video of some dogs barking a Christmas carol. I guess I sort of went on a tangent from there.”

Despite extravagantly squandering time before his due dates, Warper maintains that time travel was the only way to meet his early action deadlines.

“I wish they’d let me use the time machine again,” Warper said. “For the first time, I was able to make time for my friends, my three clubs, two sports teams, my job, schoolwork, and I even got to sleep!”

According to Warper’s father, Bart, such a rigorous schedule is absolutely necessary for his son.

“What he may lack in sleep, his social life, and his mental health, he’ll make up for in a solid work ethic,” Mr. Warper said. “Besides, what else am I supposed to brag about to the other parents?”

According to some experts, Warper’s exploits may be linked to wormholes that have been materializing around Brookline, swallowing parked cars, trees, and a fire hydrant. Bart Warper said he is unconcerned with his son ripping holes in the space-time continuum.

“He is such a precocious young man, and sometimes his curiosity just gets the better of him,” Mr. Warper said. “I’m sure the government won’t mind that he broke a few of their little toys. He obviously didn’t mean to.”

According to Brookline Police, Warper did more than just “break a few of their little toys.” Dr. Patricia Robinson said that under interrogation, Warper admitted to using the time machine to socialize in addition to applying to college.

“He broke every rule of time travel,” Robinson said. “He not only interacted with dozens of people in the past, but he even played a game of cards against his past self. Who knows what paradoxes he has created.”

Warper said that he has no regrets about breaking into a secret government laboratory, despite the dozens of charges being brought against him in federal court. These include trespassing, destruction of government property, and ripping open a few temporal gateways into the boundless void. In fact, Warper says it will further his admissions process.

“Not only did I get to finish my early action applications, but ‘time traveler’ is going to look great on my activities section,” Timmy said. “Also, I bet it will make for a great college essay.”

Despite risking his health, sanity and the stability of the space-time continuum to look good on his college applications, Warper said he is unsure why he did it all.

“I guess I haven’t really thought about it before,” Warper said. “I just kind of did what everybody told me to.”