How to properly stock up for self-isolation

GRAPHIC BY YIMING FU

NOTE: THIS IS A SATIRE
Now that school’s been closed (at least!) until April 7, people are getting ready to hunker down. But before we close off our coronavirus vaults and enter seclusion for the next few months, what exactly do each of us need? Well, the resident Sagamore Coronavirus Expert (me, obviously) is here to help!


1. Toilet paper

Let’s cut right to the chase: you need toilet paper, and lots of it. I don’t know about you, but I go through about a pack a day, so stock up on at least a few dozen to be extra safe. According to coronavirus experts, Americans should buy at least 37 packages of rolls.

2. Hand sanitizer
No good coronavirus-needs list would be complete without hand sanitizer. A common misconception, given its name, is that you should only apply it to your hands. However, COVID-19 spreads through any contact with your body, especially your mouth, eyes, and face in general. To properly sanitize, open your hand sanitizer bottle and lather the substance across your body. Make sure to get some around your gums to ensure your insides are sparkly clean! Take a hand sanitizer bath at least once a week.

3. Radio
Once society begins to break down, television stations and the internet are no longer guarantees. Radios are tried and true methods of communication to receive any emergency alerts by the remnants of the United States government.

4. Toilet paper
What kind of coronavirus checklist would be complete without a nod to toilet paper? Due to toilet paper shortages, you should be willing to ask your neighbors for help! Just open your neighbor’s window (with gloves, of course) from their backyard, enter their bathroom, and take a few rolls of toilet paper for yourself. When this all blows over, you can pay them back. Self-preservation is important!

5. Hazmat suit
To properly quarantine in preparation for COVID-19, you should definitely outfit yourself with a military-grade hazmat suit. Price gouging on Amazon might make this a bit more expensive than usual, but it’s a great investment. Just hop into it and remain there until humanity finishes off COVID-19 (or vice versa).

6. Seeds
To start a new society in your own home, securing a sustainable food source is essential. Personally, I recommend growing potatoes; raw potatoes have all the vitamins you need to survive. I’ve been subsisting off a diet of raw potatoes for the past few weeks since I heard about the virus in Wuhan, and I’ve lost 12 pounds!

7. Toilet paper
Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Toilet paper.

8. A positive attitude
Isolation and alarmist news stories can make it seem like it’s the end of the world, but keep in mind if we keep our chins up and avoid human contact for the next dozen winters, we can stop COVID-19 in its tracks! The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And a lack of toilet paper.

9. Toilet paper